A Prodigal in Blue
By Officer Stephen A.C. Ahearn
I accepted Jesus as my Lord in the summer of 1984. I had recently graduated from the Police Reserve Academy. This is where I met my future wife, Kathy. Kathy was already a Christian. I had been raised as a Catholic, and therefore assumed I was a Christian. I soon learned, being a Christian is more than simply believing in God. It's not just attending a church, no matter what church that may be. It's not doing the best you can and hoping all will turn out for the best when you die. It's more than just being one of the good guys, most of the time. It's not about looking good, sounding good, or acting good. I learned it's about having a personal relationship with God - an ongoing, day to day relationship.

After arguing my "holiness" with Kathy, I decided to read the Bible. I thought that was the best way to gather the facts I needed to prove my point. I was a typical cop. "Just the facts, please." I read the gospel of Matthew. I learned who Jesus is - the Son of God. I learned what happened to Him - He was crucified, died, and rose again. I learned why He did these things - because He loved me enough to die for me. I learned that anyone who believes this and asks Him into their life can have the free gift of eternal life with Him. After learning these facts, I asked Jesus to come into my life. Now, this is where my story really begins.

Having been born again, I experienced the joy and elation common among most new Christians. I was "on fire," but only for a short season. I soon began to make choices which would have a dramatic effect on me and, later on, my family and friends.

Over the next couple of years, I began to make compromises. They were small ones at first, of course! No one leaps with both feet into the mine field! I chose to miss church because "important" football games were on television. I would say I was just too tired after having worked all night on the graveyard shift/ I believed all was still okay because I was saved. Besides, what would anyone else know about the kinds of things I was seeing and doing at work?

In 1987 I was hired full-time as a sworn policeman. I returned to the Academy to complete my training. Then, it was back out onto the streets. I found myself compromising my faith in order to prove to my peers that I could hold my own with them. I saw other Christian officers behave in the same manner. This confused me at first and even inspired me to turn further from the Father's will in my life. My actions were rewarded. At the end of my probationary term, I was named "Rookie of the Year." I'll bet the angels had labeled me a rookie of another sort.

I began rationalizing the choices I made. My foul language was okay because that's all a "street monster" understands. A few extra blows at the end of a fight were okay because that's the only true justice a suspect would get. Jesus must know that my job is so special and unique unto itself. Right?

Oh yes, there were times when the Holy Spirit convicted me! But the more I strayed from the path by not confessing my sins and repenting, by not attending church and reading the Bible, and by not praying, the seeds that had been planted in my life were slowly but surely being choked to death by the thorny bushes growing in my heart. The whole time the Enemy (Satan) was laughing. "Here's another Christian who will never be able to win a battle for the Lord. In fact, he'll probably cause some others to stumble." I'm sure that's what I did.

Next, deception became my game, and I was a master craftsman. I couldn't face Kathy, let alone Jesus, with all I had become. It was so much easier to play the roles. I played the loving husband, the friendly neighbor, and whenever Kathy shamed me into coming to church, the happy and faithful Christian man. No one knew the depths I had fallen to. I was everything but faithful. Kathy never knew. My friends and family never knew. But Jesus knew. How sad He must have been to see where I was taking His free gift and His love. I look back, now, and think of the many times He called me to come back home, only to have me turn away.

At times, I wanted to come home, but only on my terms. I wanted the miracle intervention, the visit from Michael or Gabriel. I wanted Jesus, Himself, to appear to me and say that all was well and then change my heart in an instant without any effort on my part. I may have said I was sorry, but I wasn't truly repentant. So, when the miracle didn't happen, I became bitter and angry. Satan was always quick to harass me in these instances. He accused me and called me a hypocrite when I wanted to talk to the Lord. Satan tried to assure me that Jesus obviously didn't care or was too angry with me to respond.

With the unexpected birth of our third child, things finally came to a head. I was an angry man. I was angry at God because He wasn't where I wanted Him to be. I was angry at Kathy because she was growing in her walk with the Lord. I was angry at the world because of my job and all of the negative and hurtful labels that were placed on me and my profession.

I became very selfish. I wanted more out of life. After all, didn't I deserve it? I wanted the "toys" I never had. I wanted to travel and taste the "good life," just once! But I couldn't have these things now because I was married with three children to support, and many other responsibilities.

Finally, my hardening heart turned to stone. I was cold as ice. One night, after coming home very late, I found Kathy crying because I hadn't called. She was worried that something might have happened to me. This was the opportunity the Enemy had been waiting for. I snapped. I yelled at Kathy and told her she had no right to know where I was all of the time. I belittled her for being so emotional (a trait I had long since forfeited) and demanded that she stop crying. I didn't care that she cared about me. I went into bed, but she followed me. She asked, "What's really wrong? Tell me the truth!"

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "I don't love you anymore! I want out!" I fully expected Kathy to completely break down and, at the time, it wouldn't have mattered to me if she did. However, I was amazed to see a strange peace come over her and she became extremely calm. She looked back into my eyes and said, "I love you. Good night." She left, quietly closing the door behind her. It was only later that I learned how the Holy Spirit had intervened at that crucial moment, comforting her and filling her with His love and peace.

Within a few weeks, I had moved out of our house and was living with my parents. My parents must have agonized over seeing their son's life in such a miserable condition. I'm sure it was also agonizing for my Father in heaven. I quickly tried to enter the fast lane again, thinking I was going to make up for lost time. But as it is with all things of this world, the short season of gratification left me truly empty, indeed. I discovered that I really did know how to cry. I cried as I tried to find sleep on many lonely nights wondering how I could have ended up in the condition I was in. I felt indescribably lonely. My depression level reached its lowest point ever. However, my pride still had some life left.

I lashed out at God, challenging Him to end this for me. I even placed myself in harm's way at work in the hope that I could speed things up for Him. I lashed out at Kathy even more, but to no avail. The Lord was protecting her because she was seeking Him first and standing firm in her faith. It seemed the angrier I became, the more she responded with love. Trust me. It is futile and frustrating to attempt combat with someone under the covering of God's wings. I remember the Holy Spirit pressing in, convicting me of all I had done, and saying, "I'm still here. I love you. You're choosing to try it on your own. When you're finished, come home."

Well, being the quick learner that I am, it took me three months before I finally realized how utterly wretched my life had become. The choices I made years ago, so subtle then, now flashed across my mind like huge billboards. What seemed so insignificant at first (missing church, skipping a daily Bible reading, frequent fellowship, daily prayer, not seeking Him first in all things) eventually led me off the narrow path of righteousness, and left me completely broken. I finally called out in despair to the Lord. I surrendered. Then the Father, knowing my heart was not truly repentant, answered.

On Kathy's birthday, I asked if I could take her to dinner. She agreed. It was like a first date for both of us. We talked openly and honestly with each other and discussed my coming home. Kathy was quite anxious about it, but agreed to let me come home. I wasn't quite sure where my life was going, but I decided to act out of obedience to the Father. I soon learned that obedience has its rewards.

It began a few days after I returned home. Some close friends of ours invited us to a conference at the Camp Pendleton Marine Base, which was being hosted by the Navigators Organization. Again, I accepted out of obedience. While there, the Lord used a key speaker (Bob Boardman) to speak directly to me. I returned home that day feeling convicted, and yet encouraged for the first time in quite a while. I prayed that night that the Lord would heal me and forgive me. But now I wanted His forgiveness on His terms and not my own.

The next step in the healing process was a couple's conference hosted by Peace Officers For Christ International. I had heard about it and was really interested in attending. However, we were short on finances and staffing was low at work. What is impossible for me is of little consequence to my Father when He starts to move in my life. Seemingly out of nowhere, we were given a scholarship to attend the conference for free. Then my lieutenant, who at first denied my last minute request for the time off, had a sudden change of heart. Shortly after we arrived at the conference, I knew why.

I felt sure the entire conference was a charade, and all who attended were part of a huge conspiracy against me. For three days I was dissected by the Lord via the guest speaker. For three days I cried my eyes out, repenting, and being filled with His awesome love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy. The speaker, Pete McKenzie, said something which was forever burned into my heart. He said, "With all that God has given you by His awesome love and grace, what will you give Him in return? I know you have an incredibly hard and often dangerous job. But you need to make a decision. Are you a policeman who happens to be a Christian? Or are you a Christian that was also called to be a policeman?"

I was on fire again! I came down from the mountain where the conference had been held a new man in Christ! The Lord, however, wasn't finished pouring out His love for me. Next, I attended Promise Keepers in Los Angeles. What an awesome sight! 70,000 men were praising and worshipping the Lord. While there, the Lord gave me another token of His love. As He called my best friend and partner to repentance, I watched him rededicate his life to the Lord. I learned that he, too, had experienced some of the feelings and failings that I had experienced.

Over the next several months, I was blessed as my pastor, Ed Piorek, taught about the Father's love. It was during this period that many of the old fears and insecurities that I had hidden deep within me were revealed and dealt with by the Lord. He showed me times in my life when He watched over me. He showed me times when I thought I was alone, yet He was there. He reminded me of how much He loved me, even in the worst times. Once, while having lunch in the kitchen after church, I was listening to worship music on a Christian radio station. Some old worship songs came on that I hadn't heard in a long time. As I listened to them, the Lord showed me a picture of me sitting in church as He said, "Even when you were sitting in that church back then, I loved you, my prodigal son."

Since then, the Lord has placed a burden on my heart for other prodigals like myself. Those who at one time or another have fallen away from Him, have a special place in my heart. If one or more of you fit this description, then I'm here to tell you, "Stop running, listen to your Shepherd's voice, and come back home!" The Father will be faithful and run to you with open arms.

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